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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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Creed- 6 feet from the edge |
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 I feel so lost watching everyone move on with their lives, get married, have kids, and get handed their own homes without working for it. I feel like I will never get out. I feel so fucking stuck and each day I slip closer and closer into my own depression and slip an inch further from being saved. Jay says he can't get a job because he don't have a licensce, but truth is he hasn't tried hard enough because if he did, he would of had a job by now... A YEAR LATER... and half the shit that is weighing on our shoulders would of been lifted. It just seems like everything is weighing down on us and it just keeps holding me under and drowing me in a pool of my own tears and solitude. I would give anthing to be out on mu own. I listen to every bitch and moan about how HORRIBLE their lives are and blah blah blah when the hardcore truth is I would give anything to have their life, be them, be in their place. It seems I'm never ever getting anywhere. I've tried since I was 14 to get out of here.. I HATE IT! Being around all this drama, all these nuts and trapped in ONE room unless I wanna deal with them. I have no permit, no job, a looser husband who if he accually tried could accomplish something but he won't get off his ass and try, when I know if he tried he could do it. I sit in pain all day everyday waiting and wishing and hoping for someone to save me or for GOD to let this illness stike me dead. I mean it would be a blessing for EVERYONE! I'm sick of sitting in ONE little room. It seems the walls are slowing pushing in on me, suffocating me. I hate everything and what I don;t hate I will evenutally hate. I cry everyday. I am seriously about to give ip on life, I don;t even know why I even hold on to the smallest bit of hope that things, someday may get better. They never ever do. Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. Thing will never ever change. Every step we take forward we get thrown back 10 stps. And they wonder why most 19 year olds committ suicide. DAMN Matt was right I am 19 and I;m fucking worthless, I don;t have a job, my own place, my own kids, hell I don;t even have health insurence. I'm just a worthless piece of that that nobody honestly gives to flying fucks about. No one gives a fuck I'm in pain and could die any moment. Wish I would just fucking croak. I have that lump in my throat right before you cry. Dam'n now here comes the tears.I can;t handle the unbearable pain of life much longer. I will never be good enough. I am a piece of shit and thats how it is, mothing can change that, no matter how much I do good deeds and help others out. It don't matter no one wants to help me because there is no point in helping a piece of shit that will never amount to anything. I am slowly loosing my mind and it scares me. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel my mind slowly slipping and I can't grab on to reality much longer. Reality is fucking harsh. There are far worse people in this world that was just handed things, handed a house, handed a kid, handed a car, handed a permit, handed a life. Me, I'll never have anything I want, or need for that matter. Why the hell did God just put me here to live a life of agonizing hell? I'm not even sure a God even exists anymore. I once believe with all of my heart and all of my soul that he did exist but things just get worse and worse. Wish I had my Daddy to confide in, to tel him how I feel, to get advice, and to seek comfort. He always knew what to say, and just how to make things better, and just how to help. I just wish I had something left in thos world to matter enough to keep me hanging on. I give ip I can't take life much longer. I don;t want to do it, but what;s the point in living if your not living? So many other people could do much better with my life, with my breath. I'm just wasting space and taking up oxygen. I don;t even know where to go, perhaps the ground , 6 feet under is where I can do the best. I'm he most depressed I've ever been in my entire life, and when I was 10 I thought things were bad. I knew back then things just get worse, and I know now. Sometimes I just wish I had ended it all then.
And today's Poem:Self Mutilation
.....: JUDGE ME ALL YOU WANT, JUST KEEP THE VERDICT TO YOURSELF! :.....
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crims0ntear5's journal
Chipper
crazy
So last night I got like no freggin sleep, Jason kept me up all night working on Jame's comic book. I finally dozed off at like 8am and slept til 11am and then got up and had to go down to medicaid to sign some stupid paper which I thought we already did, and now we STILL gatta wait til October which is starting to be bull fucking shit! ARGHHHHH! Well after that we stopped and got an ice cream and a soda then went and go cold cuts and snadwhich shit from the local deli and I got another soda, been so fucking thristy lately. Then we came home, I e-mailed my girl and ate dinner hopped in the pool for a hot minute and there was this huge looking mini teranchla sipder dude on ym thumb i got out quick lol ;) then we headed over to my sisters ;) I played cars with Mikey and Kenzie and had mad fun over there. Tomarrow I'm going down to SSI I'll let you all know how that goes. I feel some lol. Well I will post some pics I took later ;) Time to go get a drunk and watch family guy ;)
Well I have been living it up and sick as hell and sore as a MOTHER FUCK! I've made tons of mistakes and now I gatta live with them. Live with knowing I'm a fuck up and a failure as a girlfriend, wife, person. I have the most shameful and patheitic exsistance. God, why the fuck do I always fuck up? I am the worst ever! Well Cait has been staying here because she left Stewie, and shit. Over the past 3 days I fucked everything up I wish I could take back 90% of the things that happened :(. I really hurt Heather and I know I did and I don't know if I can take it back, she says I can but I feel so bad. I soo wish I could elaberate on a lot of the shit that happened but, I don't feel like being called a worthless whore again lol. So now I am going to go sit in my pity and find a way to cheer myself up and get over this rut. Peace Bitotches ;)
So today I slept in ;) Was sooo tired lol! And was sick all night cuz of my gulbladder! It's the worse ever I just wanna rip it the f*ck out! I soooo can't wait til I get it taken out! NO MORE PAIN! Well then I woke up and went over to retreive my husband from my sisters while Jimmy(my soon to be step dad) worked on inventoring his german parafenila for the courts. I spent time with my nephew Mikey and played and had fun and then I spent time with lil muffin, my neice Mackenzie! She is soooo freggin cute! But she is into EVERYTHING! And sooo doesn't take no for an answer! I was checking my e-mail and this lil girl climbs up and sit theres, ok no problem right? Well then she starts hitting keys and at 1st its cute! Then it gets annoying HELLA quick lol! Then she start grabbing James books, so I put her down. Sure enough she comes back up lol KIDS! Then she stood on the back of the chair lol. Then I get off and played some mortal kombat with Mikey and Jason then I wrote a couple poems. My plans for the rest of the night are to take some pics, order a pizza(hopefully) watch some TV and movies, type up the poems I wrote and go post on bebedawl boards! LOL and hopefully watch the hubby clean, if not I'ma do it, but he said he would lol. Anywho time to settle in for a nice and quiet night. Take care all!
Mature